It was not easy but after nearly two decades of driving in Korea, I have finally been selected as the “Best Driver”. There are several different criteria evaluated when they are trying to choose the winner of this prestigious award. Please feel free to go through the checklist below to see how far you are from joining our elite group of talented individuals.
Official Checklist for Best Driver Status
During the past 12 months you have accomplished the following:
- Used a “speed bump” as a ”speed jump”
- Had an elderly gentleman fall/walk into your vehicle.
- While zooming by in the Hi-Pass lane, stuck your head out the sunroof and yelled “See ya suckers”
- Slowed down to stare at the poor people who have been in an accident (bonus points if you stopped your car to take a picture of the accident)
- Snuck into the bus lane on the highway in order to get past the scene of an accident
- Used your 4-way blinkers to say “Ya, I know I did something wrong and you are pissed, but at least these pretty blinking lights will make you feel better.”
- Ran over at least 9 cats while turning right at a red light
- Put up a “New Driver” sign in your back window even though you have been driving for 35 years
- Put up a “Baby on board” sign in your even though your only child just put up a “New Driver” sign in their vehicle
- Slammed on your brakes and crossed seven lanes on the highway at rush hour to get to that exit ramp (bonus points if you actually saved more than 2 minutes)
- Squeezed in so tightly between two vehicles when parking you were forced to climb through your window and then through the car beside you in order to get out (bonus points if there were still people in the car beside you)
- Treated the “rest area” off-ramp as a shortcut to get past those slower-moving vehicles
Highway Driving Vs Country Driving Vs City Driving
A recent road trip to the coast got me thinking about how driving in the city, on the highway, and out on country roads can be very different. Here are some of my most vital observations and thoughts.
Let's start off by looking at city driving.
You ever have one of those days where everything seems to be going your way and every intersection seems to have a green light waiting for you? Yeah, me neither. I think there is some kind of light conspiracy in which the authorities are purposely trying to mess with us so that we never get anywhere on time.
The new speed limits aren’t going to help the situation much either. I mean, how am I supposed to “Balli Balli” to work if I have to stay under 50 kilometers per hour throughout the whole city? I know that Korea has a low birth rate issue but surely we can afford to run over a few of the old people to bring down the average age of the population.
City driving means using your horn a lot because of all those stupid drivers with their pets on their laps sticking their heads out the window(both owner and pet). I use my horn so much that I wish I could just press a button that leaves it on permanently. Better yet, there should be different horn sounds for different jerks on the road. A cow’s “moo” horn sound would tell the driver in front of you to speed up. You could use a Kakao notification honk to tell the loser to please pull over in order to check their latest message from Auntie Jihyun. And most importantly, a “Ding Dong Dang” horn sound would be used to thank those kind people who spit out their window providing you with valuable washing fluid to get rid of that nasty yellow dust.
Highway driving is a whole different experience with a revised set of rules and regulations.
First of all, the government has posted signs reminding drivers of the perils of falling asleep while driving. The problem is I get sleepy just trying to read all of those damn signs. If you really want to keep people awake on the roads I recommend that you just provide them with a bottle of Chunkgukjang(청국장) as they go through the IC. There is no way anyone would fall asleep with the smell of the wet socks of a derelict in there with them.
The bus lane just feels wrong to me. Now, don’t get me wrong, I get that public transportation is good for the environment and stuff, but those bus drivers just don’t play fair. They take pictures of us when we do something wrong and scare us as they zoom by at 150 kilometers per hour. To even things out, I think they should get tickets when they come into our lane.
Speaking about lanes, I think that there should be a foreigner lane on the highway as well. Then, the poor police officers wouldn’t have to bother wasting time pulling those cars over. For example, this is how my conversation went after getting pulled over a few years back.
Police Officer: “Bla bla bla.” (in Korean)
Me: “Hello, officer”
Police Officer[a little louder now]: “Bla bla bla” (in Korean)
Me: “I’m sorry, I don’t understand”.
Police Officer: “Bu-seo”
Me[playing dumb]: “Bu-seo???”
Police Officer[face turning red]: “BU-SEO!!!!”
Me: “No idea what you are saying, sorry”
Police Officer: “Bla Bla Bla Waygoog Sekki Bla Bla Bla” (hands me a ticket for 60 000 won)
Fortunately, there are a lot of things to do along the highway to make the trip a little more enjoyable:
- take a picture of the clear-cut forest along the side of two mountains which reminds you of someone in need of a bikini wax
- pick your nose and roll it up into a ball because it is impossible for anyone outside the car to see you
- be mesmerized by the red lights of the cars in front of you at night (maybe God is telling you should swerve over to the other side of the meridian where their front lights are all the bright white of heaven)
- crap your pants when you get in between two 18-wheelers
- slam on your brakes when you are 7 meters from the traffic cameras(preferably when you are changing from the bus lane into the regular lane)
All the mountains here in Korea make countryside driving super challenging. Passing slow-moving vehicles like tractors becomes extra tricky. You have to begin by peaking your turtle head out a little and then pulling it back into your shell when a predator bus comes roaring around the corner. After waiting patiently, you honk politely to beg the driver in front of you to pull over so you can go faster than 3 kilometers per hour. And he does. 3 hours later. Just as you are ready to turn on to another road.
With that stressful situation behind you, you pull the car over to take in a breath of the wonderful smell of the countryside… manure. And just you get ready to pull out to continue your journey, another tractor drives by.
I have never been able to master the roundabouts you find on country roads. As a practitioner of defensive driving, I end up being stuck there for hours. ”You first… You first… You first.” Once I actually get into the roundabout, I end up doing lap after lap and exit the same way as I came in.
Anyways, if you are ever able to get going in the right direction and get lucky enough to have the road to yourself, remember this. If things don’t fly off the dash on every turn then you aren’t going nearly fast enough… Bonus points if your nagging sister in the passenger seat flies out the window…and off a cliff.
Driving Vs Sitting in the Passenger Seat
I love driving. I find it to be very relaxing and enjoyable. However, sitting in the passenger seat while someone else is driving is a completely different experience.
My stomach gets all tense whenever someone else is at the wheel. Actually voicing my displeasure would be rude, however, so I try to give them the hint in other ways. I like to use body language and exaggerate everything that happens during the trip. I put my hands over my eyes and hang on for dear life whenever we get within 10000 meters of another car. My head flops back and forth like I am having a major seizure when we go over speed bumps. I grab onto the handle above the door when we go around turns and slam back into the door when we turn in the other direction. As a final kind gesture, I try to give them suggestions about driving techniques as they drive because everyone loves to be told how to drive, right?
Bonus Section — My Driving Beginnings
I started driving when I got my beginner’s driving license at the tender age of 15. Isn’t it just amazing how people once thought that teenagers were mature enough to drive?
My first car was a real piece of crap, but I remember having so much fun racing my friends in it. The engine in the car was so bad that even if I was going 100km/hr at the bottom of a long incline, I would barely be able to make it to the top. Rainy weather was another challenging obstacle because whenever I would turn on my windshield wipers, they would just fly off the car. I used to hold down the horn as long as I could, and it would eventually just stop making any noise whatsoever, like it had just given up on life.
Needless to say, this was the perfect car for picking up girls. For success to be guaranteed, however, it was essential to roll down the windows and blast Ace of Base as loudly as possible. In addition, ideally, only one of my hands would be on the wheel, and at least one of my feet would be hanging out the window.
One of our favorite pranks was to drive past the local McDonald’s and ask pedestrians for directions.
Us the idiots: “Excuse me. Can you please tell us how to get to McDonald’s?”
Normal human being[looking around frantically]: “Well, um…Oh.”
Us the idiots[when they finally figured out what was going on]: “HAHAHAHAHAHA”.
Wow. Pure magic. How did we come up with that stuff?
The one time that I did get to drive my mom’s car(which was always better than my dad’s), I got into a small accident. Fortunately, the other driver was a young idiot like me, so when he opened the door, at least 245 people crawled out, like in one of those clown cars. My mom didn’t find it too funny, though. When I called to tell her that I crashed her car she started crying. Legend has it that she is still crying to this day.
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Well, that’s all for now. Keep those wheels rolling and don’t forget what the car said to the motorcycle as it drove past… Auto bye!
